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Financial Infidelity: Would You Lie About Money to Your Significant Other?
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Why It's OK to Lie About Money
by Tracy Quan
I'm one of the 31% of Americans who can admit to financial infidelity. Yes, I've occasionally lied about money to the man I was living with -- and I don't think that's a bad thing. I have lied about my spending, using cash instead of credit cards to buy sweaters, scarves, restaurant meals and presents. Once I bought a plane ticket to San Francisco, but that was not a typical omission -- and I got a discount.
Was this a little neurotic? Of course: living with another human being -- if you've been on your own for awhile -- can make you neurotic. I didn't have any proof he would object to these purchases, but it gave me a strange kind of thrill (and a sense of security) to hide the receipts. At that point, I needed to know our lives had not completely merged like so much soft food in a relationship blender. And yet I was also ready for some old-fashioned domestic bliss. It turns out I am not that unusual.
A Harris Interactive online poll of 2,019 adults released last week suggests that three in 10 couples who combined their finances have trouble with total naked honesty. For many, it's difficult or impossible to tell the whole truth about bills, debts, spending habits or income.
And sometimes -- admit it -- you can't resist the urge to judge your partner's financial behavior. So, if you're not guilty of financial infidelity yourself, you might be a person who inspires a partner to lie about money to YOU.
Most people have competing needs. We love to connect but want things our way. Lying to a partner about money is a symptom of that. Rather than ending the relationship at the first sign of claustrophobia, it's more interesting to carve out a private space for yourself. A lot like a sex fantasy you never discuss, this becomes a zone where you can say "I write the script, I'm in control here." Of course, nobody is totally in control of her own life, but it's okay to indulge that illusion. Embracing the contradictions creates depth. It's realistic and, in many cases, erotic.
There are different ways to lie. If your financial infidelity results in damage to your partner's credit rating or visits from a loan shark, you've gone to the dark side. But a "white lie" may in fact be the small financial sin that keeps you -- and your relationship -- sane.
It's hard to be entirely rational about money. Sharing bills, joining two incomes -- that's a declaration of trust. It can feel cozy, but it can also be threatening. As twisted as this sounds, lying to a man is a sign of healthy respect. You are more than two perfectly meshed atoms. You get that he's a separate person. Not only that, it's exciting to be with a dude who challenges your independence. It's a compliment if you occasionally feel the need to tell a small fib.
Having a secret is one way to keep some part of yourself unexposed and protected. This is probably the number one reason for female financial infidelity. Some women have concrete goals and many thousands salted away. I'm not that skillful. My financial infidelity was more symbolic and less practical. Just having a $200 shopping secret restored the balance I needed in my life.
It's easier to give a guy his male space when you aren't the world's most virtuous partner, and it's easy to feel good about that when your gift to yourself is some dishonestly acquired girl-space. If you're a paragon of honesty, coming to terms with a man's missteps or discrepancies is going to be a lot harder. Being forgiven by a saint is stressful for most guys, but everybody -- at some point in a relationship -- needs to forgive or be forgiven.
When I'm being too faithful or well-behaved, I become suspicious and insecure. It's how I'm built. Breaking a few rules makes me more tolerant which, in turn, makes me a happier mate. The little kick I experienced hiding a transaction from my fiancé made our domesticated existence sexier -- and kind of perverse. Every relationship needs an edge.
But there was an occasional cloud.
As an air miles junkie I felt guilty about one aspect of my secret spending, a precaution I took to cover my tracks: not using my frequent flyer number for that San Francisco flight. That's when I knew I had gone too far.
Tracy Quan is a frequent contributor to The Daily Beast and author of the bestselling "Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl" novels. She lives in New York.
by Tracy Quan
I'm one of the 31% of Americans who can admit to financial infidelity. Yes, I've occasionally lied about money to the man I was living with -- and I don't think that's a bad thing. I have lied about my spending, using cash instead of credit cards to buy sweaters, scarves, restaurant meals and presents. Once I bought a plane ticket to San Francisco, but that was not a typical omission -- and I got a discount.
Was this a little neurotic? Of course: living with another human being -- if you've been on your own for awhile -- can make you neurotic. I didn't have any proof he would object to these purchases, but it gave me a strange kind of thrill (and a sense of security) to hide the receipts. At that point, I needed to know our lives had not completely merged like so much soft food in a relationship blender. And yet I was also ready for some old-fashioned domestic bliss. It turns out I am not that unusual.
A Harris Interactive online poll of 2,019 adults released last week suggests that three in 10 couples who combined their finances have trouble with total naked honesty. For many, it's difficult or impossible to tell the whole truth about bills, debts, spending habits or income.
And sometimes -- admit it -- you can't resist the urge to judge your partner's financial behavior. So, if you're not guilty of financial infidelity yourself, you might be a person who inspires a partner to lie about money to YOU.
Most people have competing needs. We love to connect but want things our way. Lying to a partner about money is a symptom of that. Rather than ending the relationship at the first sign of claustrophobia, it's more interesting to carve out a private space for yourself. A lot like a sex fantasy you never discuss, this becomes a zone where you can say "I write the script, I'm in control here." Of course, nobody is totally in control of her own life, but it's okay to indulge that illusion. Embracing the contradictions creates depth. It's realistic and, in many cases, erotic.
There are different ways to lie. If your financial infidelity results in damage to your partner's credit rating or visits from a loan shark, you've gone to the dark side. But a "white lie" may in fact be the small financial sin that keeps you -- and your relationship -- sane.
It's hard to be entirely rational about money. Sharing bills, joining two incomes -- that's a declaration of trust. It can feel cozy, but it can also be threatening. As twisted as this sounds, lying to a man is a sign of healthy respect. You are more than two perfectly meshed atoms. You get that he's a separate person. Not only that, it's exciting to be with a dude who challenges your independence. It's a compliment if you occasionally feel the need to tell a small fib.
Having a secret is one way to keep some part of yourself unexposed and protected. This is probably the number one reason for female financial infidelity. Some women have concrete goals and many thousands salted away. I'm not that skillful. My financial infidelity was more symbolic and less practical. Just having a $200 shopping secret restored the balance I needed in my life.
It's easier to give a guy his male space when you aren't the world's most virtuous partner, and it's easy to feel good about that when your gift to yourself is some dishonestly acquired girl-space. If you're a paragon of honesty, coming to terms with a man's missteps or discrepancies is going to be a lot harder. Being forgiven by a saint is stressful for most guys, but everybody -- at some point in a relationship -- needs to forgive or be forgiven.
When I'm being too faithful or well-behaved, I become suspicious and insecure. It's how I'm built. Breaking a few rules makes me more tolerant which, in turn, makes me a happier mate. The little kick I experienced hiding a transaction from my fiancé made our domesticated existence sexier -- and kind of perverse. Every relationship needs an edge.
But there was an occasional cloud.
As an air miles junkie I felt guilty about one aspect of my secret spending, a precaution I took to cover my tracks: not using my frequent flyer number for that San Francisco flight. That's when I knew I had gone too far.
Tracy Quan is a frequent contributor to The Daily Beast and author of the bestselling "Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl" novels. She lives in New York.
I Would Never "Cheat"
by Colleen Oakley
I know there are couples who don't agree on these things. I know there are husbands who get furious when the wife walks in the door with bags of shoes or cashmere sweaters, and vice versa. I know that for them, they'd rather avoid these big blowouts by snipping price tags, hiding boxes in closets and filing receipts in the trash. But when I hear about these couples, I can't help but wonder: if you can't be honest about your money, what else are you lying about?
I think that withholding information about big purchases from your partner is symbolic of withholding so much more from your relationship. Call it naïve, or even cliché, but my husband and I are on the same team, which means what's mine is his and what's his is mine. (I'll hold, while you go vomit.) It means, that when we want to spend our shared money on something large, we talk about it, discuss if we can afford it, and then make the decision together.
Does this take more effort? Yes. Do I have to put a little more thought into my purchases than I did when I was single? Sure. But on the bright side, since I've been married, I haven't once been drunk in a bar and shouted "Patron shots for everyone on me!" while holding my already maxed-out credit card aloft in the air.
In all seriousness, being accountable for what we spend our money on doesn't mean we can't make frivolous or spontaneous purchases, it just means that we keep the other person in mind when we whip out our debit card. I know what our financial goals are together, and I like having a teammate where we each keep each others' best interests at heart.
The bottom line: if the two of you have wildly different ideas about how to spend your money, I don't think lying is the answer. Marriage is all about communication and compromise -- if you can't do that when it comes to buying shoes, how are you going to tackle the big things in life?
Colleen Oakley is a freelance writer who thinks that honesty is the best policy. Most of the time. You can find out more about her at colleenoakley.com.
by Colleen Oakley
In the 5 1/2 years that my husband and I have been together, I've hidden two purchases from him. Both were gifts for him -- a Bowflex for Christmas one year and a set of Italian Rosetta Stone language CDs for his birthday.
I don't feel like I'm morally superior because my husband and I are honest with each other about what we buy (it's hard for us not to be because we share all of our money in joint bank accounts.
Yes, against financial guru Suze Orman's advice). But I do think that being financially unfaithful to your partner is indicative of much bigger problems in the relationship.
When couples hide purchases from each other (as 30% of partners do, according to the recent survey at left), it means that you clearly don't agree on what to spend your money on, you have problems communicating and compromising, and you're lying, which -- if you paid any attention to "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" in kindergarten -- is very detrimental to trust in a relationship. And you could be eaten by wolves.
I admit, my husband and I are lucky in the sense that we have the same attitude toward money: in the grand scheme of life, it's not all that important. And we're not some spoiled, middle-class couple that can say that because we always have plenty of it.
The first year we were married, my husband was laid off for 5 months. There were times we weren't sure if we were going to be able to pay our rent or electricity bill or buy a carton of milk at the store, and we walked on eggshells, because without health insurance, we couldn't afford having even a minor calamity like a broken leg.
We had to sit down often and have serious -- and sometimes tough -- conversations about what our (very little) money needed to be spent on (essentials like ramen noodles and toilet paper), and what we couldn't afford (the new Rock Band for our Play Station).
When we aren't strapped for cash, we also generally both agree on the things we want to spend our money on. We prefer experiences over tangible stuff. We'd rather go out to some fabulous restaurant or on a trip halfway around the world, than have the fanciest car, the biggest house or the trendiest clothes (as evidenced by my Old Navy wardrobe).
I don't feel like I'm morally superior because my husband and I are honest with each other about what we buy (it's hard for us not to be because we share all of our money in joint bank accounts.
Yes, against financial guru Suze Orman's advice). But I do think that being financially unfaithful to your partner is indicative of much bigger problems in the relationship.
When couples hide purchases from each other (as 30% of partners do, according to the recent survey at left), it means that you clearly don't agree on what to spend your money on, you have problems communicating and compromising, and you're lying, which -- if you paid any attention to "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" in kindergarten -- is very detrimental to trust in a relationship. And you could be eaten by wolves.
I admit, my husband and I are lucky in the sense that we have the same attitude toward money: in the grand scheme of life, it's not all that important. And we're not some spoiled, middle-class couple that can say that because we always have plenty of it.
The first year we were married, my husband was laid off for 5 months. There were times we weren't sure if we were going to be able to pay our rent or electricity bill or buy a carton of milk at the store, and we walked on eggshells, because without health insurance, we couldn't afford having even a minor calamity like a broken leg.
We had to sit down often and have serious -- and sometimes tough -- conversations about what our (very little) money needed to be spent on (essentials like ramen noodles and toilet paper), and what we couldn't afford (the new Rock Band for our Play Station).
When we aren't strapped for cash, we also generally both agree on the things we want to spend our money on. We prefer experiences over tangible stuff. We'd rather go out to some fabulous restaurant or on a trip halfway around the world, than have the fanciest car, the biggest house or the trendiest clothes (as evidenced by my Old Navy wardrobe).
I know there are couples who don't agree on these things. I know there are husbands who get furious when the wife walks in the door with bags of shoes or cashmere sweaters, and vice versa. I know that for them, they'd rather avoid these big blowouts by snipping price tags, hiding boxes in closets and filing receipts in the trash. But when I hear about these couples, I can't help but wonder: if you can't be honest about your money, what else are you lying about?
I think that withholding information about big purchases from your partner is symbolic of withholding so much more from your relationship. Call it naïve, or even cliché, but my husband and I are on the same team, which means what's mine is his and what's his is mine. (I'll hold, while you go vomit.) It means, that when we want to spend our shared money on something large, we talk about it, discuss if we can afford it, and then make the decision together.
Does this take more effort? Yes. Do I have to put a little more thought into my purchases than I did when I was single? Sure. But on the bright side, since I've been married, I haven't once been drunk in a bar and shouted "Patron shots for everyone on me!" while holding my already maxed-out credit card aloft in the air.
In all seriousness, being accountable for what we spend our money on doesn't mean we can't make frivolous or spontaneous purchases, it just means that we keep the other person in mind when we whip out our debit card. I know what our financial goals are together, and I like having a teammate where we each keep each others' best interests at heart.
The bottom line: if the two of you have wildly different ideas about how to spend your money, I don't think lying is the answer. Marriage is all about communication and compromise -- if you can't do that when it comes to buying shoes, how are you going to tackle the big things in life?
Colleen Oakley is a freelance writer who thinks that honesty is the best policy. Most of the time. You can find out more about her at colleenoakley.com.Filed Under: MyDaily Originals, Love & Relationships, News & Culture
Tags: cheating, financial infidelity, FinancialInfidelity, lies, lying about money, LyingAboutMoney
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