So, Charlie Sheen is looking to hire a social media intern to manage his two million Twitter followers -- as you've surely heard by now (unless you installed Tinted Sheen, the Charlie Sheen Blocker, in which case you're probably not seeing this post anyway). I just applied, because that's how bad the economy is for women right now.

Who will get it? A Mashable blogger looking to shake things up? A "porn star" hoping for an exit strategy? A recent college grad just stumbling out of finals week who somehow missed the media frenzy, and lucked into the gig because his mom has the same housekeeper as poor, beleaguered Charlie Sheen?

Whoever it is, what would Charlie Sheen's intern's first day be like? We think it'd go ... a little something like this.

9:00 a.m.:
I'm pulling up to Charlie Sheen's house, guys! It's really nice! I'm excited for my first day of work.

9:45:
Still no answer to my knocking. His cell phone's going straight to voicemail, which says his mailbox is full. Is that weird?

11:30:
I'm in! He came to the door dressed in a Wonder Woman costume. Is that -- is this for one of his acting jobs?

11:45:
Well, that was easy. I fixed up the background on his Twitter page, consolidated his Facebook presence, and registered him for Foursquare. Wow, you should see his followers on MySpace! Now he says we have to take a breather. Wonder what he means?

12:05 p.m.:
Some ladies are here! Wow, that was handy. Guess when you're a famous former movie and TV star, your friends are available around the clock, huh? You should see what they are(n't) wearing!

TWEET FROM CHARLIE SHEEN:
Good morning, boyz n girlz! #winning with two new friends from the agency. You know what I'm talking about. #tigersemen

12:06:
What's FourLoko?

12:10:
Movie time! We're going into this amazing private screening room with deluxe seats and a really nice screen! Wonder what we'll watch? Hope it's the director's cut of 'Avatar'!

12:15:
It's not 'Avatar.'

12:30:
It's *really* not 'Avatar.'

1:15:
I feel a little ill. Question about things going in butts: How much is too much?

1:30:
Movie time is over. Phew. I am not sure I will be able to watch another movie, ever. Charlie says he wants to get romantic with the ladies, so I'm supposed to sit in the kitchen and work on starting a hashtag contest. This will be great! The winner will really be a #winner! I have a ton of ideas!

1:35:
The ladies are back. Apparently Charlie is done already? Guess that's what you call a New York Minute!

1:45:
Doorbell's ringing! Hope that's pizza for lunch, I'm starved.

1:50:
I didn't know you could get a case of vodka delivered. Kinda weird to get a whole case of Absolut Peppar. There's also a briefcase full of ... OMG ANTHRAX!!!!

1:51:
Turns out it wasn't anthrax.

2:00:
You can smoke that?

2:15:
Charlie says "when in Rome, have an effing drink." But he didn't say eff, he said the real word. I'm in Hollywood!

2:30:
Charlie just went to kiss one of the ladies and blew smoke in her face! Now she's laughing and crying and laughing again. Omg he's coming toward me!

2:31:
HA HA HAHA HA!

2:32:
waaaah.

2:33:
HAHAHAHAA!!

2:45:
I'm so depressed. I hate myself. I wish Charlie would blow more smoke in my face.

2:46:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

3:00:
I feel sad and my jaw hurts. I think I'll excuse myself and work on Charlie's blog.

3:05:
Darn, I can't remember his password. Oh wait, it's just -- why does he like the number 69 so much?

3:30:
Jon Cryer is outside the house! He's yelling up at the window, but Charlie won't let me open it to hear what he's saying.

3:40:
Wow! Now Emilio Estevez is out there!

3:50:
And Martin Sheen! And Dr. Drew! They're linking arms and singing.

3:55:
I really hope that's a beebee gun.

3:58:
It was. Man, I hope Dr. Drew has spare glasses. And Jon Cryer has a spare butt!

4:15:
The coffee table has a weird sticky substance on it. I don't know if it's safe to put the MacBook down on there. Also, how can I tell if something is a jar of hair gel or a dildo?

4:30:
Social networking moment! I'm using UberCab to call a taxi for the ladies! They won't come out of the bathroom till I do.

4:35:
Charlie's banned from UberCab. He says that's winning. I'm not sure he knows what that word means!

4:45:
Welp, doesn't matter. It was quiet in the bathroom so I checked, and sure enough the ladies shimmied out the window, leaving behind one Lucite stiletto and some orange feathers.

4:50:
Wrapping things up by putting together a punch-list for tomorrow. For some reason this term threw Charlie into paroxysms of giggles. He's such a fun guy!

5:00:
What a great first day at work! Charlie says he feels like Denzel Washington in Training Day and tomorrow, we'll take this show on the road. I wonder what he means? Guess I'll find out! Anyone know where I can find a grinder, or what one is?


Amy was a staff writer at Cosmopolitan and has written for Glamour, Self, Redbook, Maxim, Men's Health, and Inc. Since spawning, she's been blogging for Babble and tweeting as Madfoot. She's hard at work on a memoir of her preemie's first months.