Don't get me wrong: I'm grateful there are two-piece bathing suits, saving me from having to do the under-leg crotch-tug with a wet bathing suit while hovering above the prison-issue toilet in the public bathroom at the beach. Even two-piece suits designed by Kourtney Kardashian, for a line called Beach Bunny, don't necessarily have to be bad.

But even Merriam-Webster defines a bikini as "scanty." Have I worn such scantiness in my life? Well sure, I've logged my requisite hours in the too-anxious-to-eat trenches. But even when I was at my most bodacious, there were certain suits that were just ... too ... ill-conceived to believe.

Does anyone really wear this stuff if they're not dating John Legend and being paid in gym-bags full of Vicodin by Sports Illustrated? As far as I can see, the "top swimwear trends for 2011" are no more beach-worthy than figure skates.


Kardashi-kinis
New mom Kourtney claims her bikini designs for Beach Bunny Swimwear "provide support and coverage." You mean the way her reality show provides entertainment and elucidation? Waap-waap-waap-waaah! Underwear as Swimwear: They're kidding, right? Right?! Ladies, get a double-take because you're super-hot, not because people are worried that you stopped by the pool during your morning walk-of-shame from that stockbroker's hotel room. Yesteryear Yeeech:
According to Bikini.com, "high-waisted two-piece swimsuits figure prominently" this year, egged on by fashions featured on Mad Men. This one's from Marysia Swim. Do I like the concept? Oh, sure! Those of us with curves long for the days of ruched sides and forgiving cuts. But this isn't what we had in mind. It screams "Don't! Look! At! My! Tummy!!!" and would attract attention for all the wrong reasons. Make mine ModCloth, please.


Ethnic Grab Bag:
Designers also took inspiration from all the cultures of the world! Which ones? Uh ... you know! Those ones on the ... on PBS one time... this episode of Nova or something... Hey. Let's not forget how embarrassing it was at the Olympics when those Russian skaters performed in ersatz-Aboriginal garb. Do you want to start a poolside picket line? They will if you wear this Lisa Blue cut-out confection.


The Bedazzled Bikini:
Know what I love about laying out on the beach? A Beach Bunny Swimwear two-piece on which the crystals that dot my swimwear refract the intense sunlight and leave brands on my body, creating a painful game of connect-the-dots on my inflamed flesh.


Peek-a-BOOOOO!
Wait, it's a one-piece. Oh no, it's something new ... the monokini! Yep, it's the worst of both worlds: an Ed Hardy suit as binding and constricting as a maillot, but with all the worry and risk of exposure of the world's stingiest two-piece. Thanks, Ed Hardy! Thanks a bucket-ful!


Booty Call
Because thongs and low-rise bottoms didn't show enough of our butts, here's the newest trend from Buy Maya -- the "Argentinian Cut." Not only is it a ridiculous way to make sure last night's key lime pie becomes today's easily-eyeballed cellulite, it's the subject of a lawsuit between two swimwear designers, both of whom claim the title of Rear Admiral.





Amy was a staff writer at Cosmopolitan and has written for Glamour, Self, Redbook, Maxim, Men's Health, and Inc. Since spawning, she's been blogging for Babble and tweeting as Madfoot. She's hard at work on a memoir of her preemie's first months.