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Secret Regrets: What Do You Regret Doing -- or Not Doing -- Most in Life?
SuperStock / AlamyIn that study, women 'fessed up to regretting crimes of the heart: Whether it was more a case of not chasing the "one who got away", or staying in an affair that was going nowhere, science can't tell us, but one man can.
Kevin Hansen is the author of "Secret Regrets," both a book and the super-popular website of the same name where thousands of humans have spilled their guts -- and regrets. In the past, Kevin has rounded up many of these confessions: The top secret regrets of women in their 20s, which are different from what women in their 30 feel remorse for, and different still from what men secretly wish they had (or hadn't) done.
Today Kevin took his secret regrets to the Dr. Phil show to spend an entire hour talking with America about the stuff that captivates us all: how we can live a life that's regret-free.
MyDaily: Kevin, what in your life prompted you to study other people's secret regrets in the first place?
Kevin Hansen: Actually it was more of a curiosity factor. I noticed a bunch of websites that opened up and people were confessing secrets, but there weren't any about regrets. I also started other sites at the same time, like "What's the biggest fear of your life?", "the most embarrassing moment of your life," and the funniest thing that's ever happened to you.
The one about regrets really hit a nerve. I started getting a lot of traffic early on, and once I saw that people were having an outlet to tell things that they couldn't tell their closest friend -- and then the comments that were left from other people giving encouragement and support "I've been through this too, and if i can make it through, you can too" -- when I saw that people were helping people through their lives, I saw that I couldn't abandon the project. It had so much potential to help other people.
All told, how many secret regrets have you been privy to now?
At last count, it's over 15,000. Fifteen-thousand have actually logged on and entered a regret on the site. There were several hundred in the book that I hand-picked: The best of, the most shocking, the ones you read twice, and the most common ones.
After sifting through that many, have there been regrets you've read that have brought you near tears -- or stuck with you over time?
The ones that are hardest to read are the ones where people have a regret where they don't have an opportunity to make it right, like if someone has passed away. But also people who've had pretty tragic things in their life. If they didn't say something, try to right a wrong, or the abuse situations...
Those are hardest to read, but the most helpful part is where people come forward and help them heal –- people are finding support. The original posters post their regrets, and some feedback will be posted, and the original poster will come back and say, "Thank you very much. You've really given me perspective on this."
One in particular was a woman who'd had an affair, and she told her husband about it, and he said he forgave her, but she never forgave herself. And four or five years later, she still carries this regret. Well, she posted on the site, and people said, "You know, he said he forgave you. Maybe you should talk to him again, so you can move past that."
She had him go to the website and read her regret, and his response was, "I cannot believe you're still beating yourself up over something that I let go of years ago." It was a real turning point in their marriage -- they were really able to move forward. And that was incredible.
Has anyone you've heard of undone a regret from the past?
Yes. The site has changed lives and saved lives. We've had people who were on the brink of suicide, and they'd post on the site, and the entire Secret Regret community would sweep in and way, "We don't even know you, but we love you, and here's a number you can call if you need help."
There was a girl who almost committed suicide a couple of years ago –- she was only sixteen years old, and after the response from posting, she actually told her best friend, and her mom, and they went to the doctor, and it gives me goosebumps talking about it.
One of the most shocking was a woman who posted this:
I regret not shooting you instead of divorcing you, and letting you use MY kids as pawns in YOUR custody battle. If I'd shot him, I could have proven abuse, and even if I did jail time, it wouldn't have been as long as the custody fight was that our kids were dragged through -- and that was engineered by the woman you were cheating with and then married. Now that the kids are grown, my revenge is that you are still married to her, and you are miserable every day of your life! Female, age 53
Then we get some funny ones: "I regret that I still want to be with you after you ditched me to smoke pot and watch 'Jersey Shore'".
For the most part, the regrets are touching and heartfelt, and then you get a couple that just make you smile.
We know we're talking broad brushstrokes, but recent research showed that women regret different things than men do: We regret affairs of the heart, they regret mistakes at the office. How have you seen what we regret differ by gender?
On the women's side, I would agree with their studies. A lot of the regrets are about romantic relationships -- you married the wrong person or you let the right one get away. On the men's side [in the studies] their regrets focused more on career.
On my site, the men's regrets actually mirror the women's regrets. They have a lot of relationship regrets as well. It's very touching. You don't see that with guys a lot –- you see how it's affecting them, and you get these really heartfelt stories from guys about relationships that have gone bad, or how they wish they could treat somebody right when they've wronged them in the past.
What would you say is the most commonly lamented secret regret?
The most common is relationships, and within that subcategory it's thinking that they've let the wrong person get away. I get so many people who say, "because of Facebook and other technologies, I'm back in touch with my high-school sweetheart...", and once somebody says that, the community steps in and says, "Whoa, you're not the same person, he's not the same person, this happened 20 years ago," and the people will say, "Thank you, you stopped me from cheating on my husband or wife." There are always those little what-ifs in our mind, maybe I should have ended up with that first person or that second person.
Can you tell us a way in which confessing a secret regret has changed a life?
There was a woman who -- I think I have her regret right here -- she says:
I regret I can't stop my addiction. I regret all the times I've tried, and failed. but most of all I regret pushing everyone away who ever cared about me because my addiction controls me. I need to stop. Why can't I? Looking back on my life for the past several years, it is obvious what it has done to me, and the people around me. I am truly sorry for all those I have destroyed. But most of all, I am the one destroyed and I don't know how to be free of this pain. I regret being born because I have brought nothing but pain to my friends and family. I'm sorry I am still here. Female, age 37
But the more amazing thing was the outpouring of support she got from the community. As a result, she got help. Then she came back and posted this:
How surprised I was to log on today to SecretRegrets and see my regret posted for the world to see. It brought me back to that terrible night when I wrote this, on the verge of ending my life. The day after I wrote this, I checked into an intensive outpatient treatment program, and am now clean and sober. Thank you for those that reached out with sound advice. I still have a long way to go, but most of all, I am in the process of finally forgiving myself and I am not suffering anymore. I hope my loved ones can forgive me too someday. Further, I hope that I can forgive those who hurt me so terribly that I fell into such a deep depression, feeling no other way to escape but to just numb the pain and check out for a while. Thanks again Secret Regrets, it feels good to put this experience into words and share my story. I hope that others with addiction and/or depression will read this and get the help they need as well. There is no need to hurt that badly.
So, if you wanted to live a regret-free life, what advice would you give humanity?
The act of confessing that regret, and just putting it out there for millions of people to see, is very freeing. It's that act of saying, I want to put this behind me. Maybe I don't need this to dictate the rest of my life. I've coined the phrase: regret it, forget it, and move on.
I think the biggest step is to take that first step and identify and admit what it is. What is that one thing in your life that you would change that is holding you back? It's being brutally honest with yourself: I need to either put it behind me, or go back and change it, and this is the one issue that I need to deal with.
And from there, start talking to other people. But I can guarantee you that if you think you're the only person who's been through something like this, once you open up to the community, and they start talking to you, there are people who can help you.
I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, and neither are the people on the site. It's real people helping real people get through their problems. You'll see that they've made it through the same thing, and you can, too.
Carrie Sloan is the editor-in-chief of MyDaily. She invites you to share your biggest regret in the comments, and you could have other MyDaily readers help you through!
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My biggest regret is not staying away from my mother like I was told to by a preacher and his wife back in 1992. I know this sounds strange, but to explain a little bit. I'm staying with my mom now after losing my house to foreclosure and my car being repossessed within 2 months apart and my mother's actually making my life a living hell. She constantly talks about everyone in our family, talks about the neighbors personal business to me and then smiles in everyone's face. I've heard her talking about our family members personal business on the phone to her friends and asked her to stop doing that. I work on the Internet almost 16 hours a day and when I go downstairs, she immediately jumps down my throat with both feet about something that I haven't done and I'm usually extremely tired by that time so I argue back. Maybe I shouldn't argue back. I will say this though, I have never met anyone who never has anything good to say about anybody or anything. My mother loves to argue with any and everyone who stays with her. I moved in with her in February 2011 and my life has been a living hell. I'm trying to get over losing my house to foreclosure (I can see the house I lost which is 6 houses from my mother's house and the person who bought it), but I can't recover because my mother is always talking about the man who bought the house and how he's fixing it up. I think she has some type of mental problem because what mother in their right mind would want their child to suffer. Everything I tell her is always thrown back up in my face at a later date. This woman acts like she's 10 years old. She tells me all our family members don't want to be around me and talk about me to her. Now, she's trying to raise my great nephew who is only 8 months old. It's a miracle me and my brothers don't have problems growing up with a mother like this, and she's going to do it all over again to him because she raised his mother and actually put tape on his mother's mouth when she was around 5 years old because she thought she was talking too much. What kind of person would do that? I actually think my mother hates me because she seems to not want me to succeed at anything I try to do.
I know I'm rambled a lot above, but this is really bothering me. Am I crazy to actually hate my mother? Now keep in mind that my mother has always been like this for over 40 years and is actually getting worse. My motto is if you haven't changed yet in 40 years, you're not going to change. Just needed to blow off some steam and someone to talk to about this. Thanks for listening.
Kevin Hansen:
Please feel free to contact me through my email about any potential cases of abuse as I would like to help those who are in need and want of it. I may look like an ordinarry every day house wife, but I have helped before ( I really don't know why I ever stopped). So let me know how I can help please! By the way-Great websight! This has potential to help many types of people and from what I have seen, already has. Thank you!
My Biggest Regret is not being able to help those who really need the help still-so I am starting to change that here and now.
To those who are being abused, there are many venues of help out there to support you in your time of need. (Even from those abusers who just happen to wear a dignified uniform.) You can't reform your abusers, so don't kid yourselves into thinking you can. The best thing you can do is think and do for yourselves. If you are feeling trapped and isolated away from society, not allowed to work or go to school to better yourself, controlled and made to feel you don't matter; think again! You do matter, your life does count, and noone should ever make you feel as if you don't! I may only be one person, but I have tons of experience in these matters and I know how to escape them and make a life-one that matters, and one where you don't have to look over your shoulders with every step you take. I can and will find safe and secure ways to help those in need of it. The time is here and the time is NOW! The most helpful tip I can give all of you, is if your in a dangerous position and you do find a way to escape it, don't take anything with you that could be traced, (debit cards, check books, things of this nature) and please, don't look back-especially if you have children.
Regrets? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention.....
I've lived.....a life thats full....I've traveled each and every highway.....but more...much more than this
.....I did it MY WAY.....
my worst regret is waiting too long. Lived a 20 year nightmare and cant seem to always want it to go away. Abussive husband now trying to be better but often wonder if its too late. Tried to walk away but the chase didnt end for 2 years. Im stuck caged jailed I will die this way Waited too long.
April 02 2011 at 6:39 PM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyThere is still time to get out, how can I help you? What do you want done to help you completely? I know what to do here. Have the secret regrets websight give you my private email address and I will direct you on how to do things safely for you both.
April 03 2011 at 9:37 AM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyI am a mail and i do not regret anything.I look into the future and always have a positive additude.I always think about the good things i have done in my life,and do not dwell in the past.The problem with most girls is that they think always in a negative way always about there past problems.And thats there problem and nature.Thats why they look for support from other girls and usually it makes matters worse.Woman always think about the bad things they did or did not do on the past.And it is stupid.And thats why woman age faster than men do.Men do not think about there past problems or what they should have done.I look into the future and go on with my life.Woman talk to other woman mostly about there problems and past problems and they should not.I see this so much most of the time.Its her own fault that she had an affair.Just tell your husband and he may or may not forgive you and he may divorse you.You made the mistake.But you need to forget about it and go on with your life and stop thinking abouit what you should have done in the past.And most woman live and think about the past.I am single,and i was not ready to marry until i was 33,and the many girls i had relations with i told them first.But it was a challenge to them to marry and take me away from the other girls i dated.I did not want to fall in love and they knew this.They wanted to marry me but i was not ready.So when they asked me to marry them,i would break up with them.They were heart broken.But if they wanted to marry,they should have found another guy who was ready.I have so many things to say about how woman think and how men think.And i know i could write a book about what all woman regret.
April 02 2011 at 5:38 PM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyThen you should write the book! But first, get your facts straight! The real reason woman age faster then men is because, for the most part, they are driving the woman to an early grave with their lies, cheeting and instability, their emotional and physical as well as mental abusing of woman. You wonder why woman always look at the past, its because we use that information to make things good in the present and future of our lives. If we don't use what we have learned from the past, it bares repeating. Why do you think there are so many history buffs out there. It is all human nature. You learn from it and go on and not try to repeat the mistake from before with others. If you don't learn from your mistakes, then its a never ending circle of self inflicting abuse.
April 03 2011 at 9:34 AM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyI regret ever getting married. I regret mistakenly thinking I would make a good mother. I regret losing my father before we got to know each other. I regret not getting the chance to ask my stepfather if he knew Jesus before he died. I regret there have only been a few happy years of living in my life, and that now at the age of 50, my vessel is totally empty. And I don't want it refilled. I regret that I live in this house in this town. Oh, f*ck it. Does it really matter anyway? I think not.
April 02 2011 at 5:15 PM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down Replyi found out about about two or three wks ago that my son is not my bfs son. He is the son of an ex that was very abusive to me mentally, physically, and emotionally. He is also a coke head, smokes pot and drinks a lot. I plan on not telling him anything. My bf still treats my son as if he was his. My son still has his last name and that will always be his "dada". Are there consequenses to not telling the biological father? Am i doing the right thing?
April 02 2011 at 1:59 PM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyI regret that I ever got married and had three kids. Now that I am in the twilight of life all the memories I have are painful. Most especially I regret haveing my middle son who married the most hateful woman in the world and let her verbally and emotionally abuse me. I should have disowned him the minute he said I do not care what you think I am going to marry her anyway.
April 02 2011 at 9:59 AM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down ReplyMy regret is not having my new husband investigated before I married him. I find now that he is lying to me more and more and hiding things from me (stupid little things)-which of course makes me suspect that he is covering up for something a heck of alot bigger! Now I am not just blocked from his computer (which I need from time to time) but also his phone, except he forgot that you can't hide the speed dial numbers. He has at least 2 females phones numbers on speed dial of whom I never met. All I can say is Thank God for Prenups! If I catch him cheeting in any way shape or form-he will be the one paying for his mistakes.
April 02 2011 at 7:16 AM Report abuse Permalink rate up rate down Reply
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