jupiterimagesSome research even shows that how you handle conflict in your romantic life may have less to do with your relationship and more to do with how you were raised. But regardless of all the small arguments, or how your mother messed you up, enduring screaming matches multiple times a day with your spouse, or stonewalling your boyfriend post-argument may mean that your disagreements have gotten the better of your romance. It's helpful to know the hot button issues in relationships, and the red flags indicating that it's gone from lovey-dovey to knock-down, drag out.
The three main areas that couples argue over, according to experts, are money, sex and kids. Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage", says that couples bicker about overspending, differing opinions on what to spend their money on, and financial infidelity. Sex brawls focus on incompatibility, or infidelity. Parenting styles and the to-have-or-not-to-have kids debate also fuels many a fire.
Tessina has also "seen splits over problems with extended family (including in-laws and exes) and of course alcoholism or other addictions." But Nancy Dreyfus, couples therapist and author of "Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash", says, in addition to the actual issues, how couples relate to these issues is the issue -- so the content-oriented upsets around money, sex, in-laws, and the ever-popular, "I can't stand how you are with the kids" are not inherently deal-breakers if there is relatively good listening and respect in the mix.
The Fighting Formula
Now that you've uncovered some of the issues that you might be fighting over, is there a formula for exactly how much of it is normal, and how much is too much? While all couples are different, there is a baseline. "All couples fight, and the unhealthiest ones never do," says Dreyfus. "What I mean by 'unhealthy' is that an absence of conflict would mean two people who were never self-defining and therefore, never speaking -- their often divergent -- truths." Research shows that your relationship is in the clear if you experience four to five feel-good encounters to every less-than-pleasant one. "It's a corny analogy, but a useful one -- a relationship is like a bank account: If you keep making withdrawals without consistent deposits, you are soon going to find yourself bankrupt."
When the Gloves Come Off
When you find yourself in the midst of a fight, remember that your emotional, and physical, health rely on the type of fighting going on between you and your partner. Research shows that women who perceive their partners as "arguing with warmth" actually have significantly reduced risk of heart disease than those who don't, says Dreyfus. "What's striking about this is that we are not talking about women who don't argue being healthier -- but those who perceive that the friendliness doesn't leave the relationship in the midst of conflict," she says. "I think it is crucial for partners to consciously agree that they want to remain partners in conflict -- not adversaries."
For Jessica Graves-Toliver, the fighting in her relationship began before she was married. "It could start for a number of reasons, but most often it would be something as simple as a timeline that did not add up," says Graves-Toliver, an operations manager in Cincinnati. Throughout their relationship and marriage, infidelity was a huge issue resulting in many a fight; money was another. "He would lie about money; checks from commission were always cashed, he never had stubs," says Graves-Toliver. "In hindsight, of course, it was always a way for him to hide money for his affairs."
Most often, the couple would fight in the morning or late at night. The fights would sometimes continue through email at work and last for days. "He would always cave in, because I was the center of our social lives and our family life and he needed me to know kids' schedules," she says. "We could go months at a time at peace, but then there would be weeks of hell. Eventually, there were times of domestic violence, he broke furniture, put holes in walls, even bruised my arm trying to get me to stay in the room. It was finally enough."
A Healthy Fight
While some fights are brutal, there is such a thing as having a discussion about differences without making it an argument. Yelling, throwing things, making nasty comments or becoming violent is childish and destructive to the relationship; but really in every fight, the question is of motivation: Are you speaking in order to connect, to help your partner grow or to put your partner down? "I have witnessed screaming matches where there was love in the space," says Dreyfus, "and intellectual 'mature' debates that felt like ice."
Seth Meyers, author of "Dr. Seth's Love Prescription", says couples who tend to argue almost as an intellectual form of sparring aren't necessarily unhealthy. "When it gets unhealthy is when the arguments become personal and one or both members of the couple feel attacked, criticized, or not supported," he says.
I personally have friends who are the epitome of intellectual sparring. Growing up with starkly different backgrounds, they would have intense, heated political debates, which I saw firsthand during the last presidential election. At first, many of us weren't sure their relationship would make it past election day. But once the dust settled, their relationship was still strong. Even during their debates, the tone was never angry, just the two of them challenging the beliefs of the other.
When It's Gone Too Far
The minute voices are raised, says Tessina, fighting has gone too far. Dreyfus agrees that things have gone too far when you feel invisible, frightened and too unsafe to speak your truth. "When I'm working with a couple in a therapy session, I won't touch a relatively mundane issue like 'whose family will we go to for Thanksgiving,' until I sense the couple is basically liking each other," says Dreyfus. "If they are liking each other, they will find a way. If not, their respective families will start feeling like the Sharks and the Jets."
Certain issues that will ultimately break a relationship include lying and infidelity, like in the case of Graves-Toliver, as well as substance abuse and addiction, situations where one party puts work, socializing or something else before the other person, and when an individual feels he or she is "shrinking to fit" to meet the other's needs, feeling marginalized.
Dr. Seth says that a few of the warning signs that the fighting has gone too far include dreading going back home at the end of the day, having flashbacks of hurtful things the other said or did to you that continue to make you feel bad, and having your friends or family comment that they feel uncomfortable with the two of you because the interaction inevitably gets combative.
"In reading back through my journal I see the word SMALL all the time," says Graves-Toliver. "I was constantly insecure, I would come home just to make sure he was home and not on his phone. I stopped going places with my friends because I felt like I always had to be by his side. Every time he went to the bathroom in a restaurant in a bathroom I thought he was on the phone or texting someone else."
Of course it's tough to heal a breach as big as broken trust.
Tips for Fighting Fair
If you want to be sure that you're fighting the fair fight in your relationship, Dreyfus has a few tips for couples. Create a written kind of "flash card," which she says will reinstates goodwill instantly because the effort spent on retrieving and flashing the card -- free of voice tone --conveys a sincerity that both of you have been fighting to regain. She also suggests couples use the age-old "Time Out" sign to indicate that the person needs a break to calm down. The responsibility is on the person who calls the break to come resume the discussion after about 20 minutes.
Of course, every couple needs to figure out exactly how to best stay cool, collected and ready to have rational discussions -- not fight -- with one another. Tell us: How often do you and your man argue, and what things do you spar about most frequently?
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Vanessa Voltolina is an editor and freelance writer living in New York City. She covers health, nutrition, fitness and relationships. Find her on Twitter (@vvoltolina) and read more of her stories on her website. 
Alamy.comIt wasn't until the couple moved in together that Bowman found out she was making substantially more money than he was. What started as a few thousand dollars in income disparity then has now turned into her making quadruple what he earns through his business of owning a bike shop.
It was a period when her husband was unemployed for more than a year that really shaped their financial relationship. "During that time I became the chief financial officer of the household," says Bowman, who is a writer and author of "Project: Happily Ever After." While it wasn't a title she wanted to take on, "It's definitely not one he wants, either."
And Bowman's not alone.
Now more than ever, studies show women are the breadwinners in their marriages and romantic relationships. According to Pew Research, between 1970 and 2007, the number of men whose wives out-earn them increased from 4 percent to 22 percent. And, as we all know, the subject of money -- who handles it and, especially, who makes more of it -- can be a minefield for a couple.
While some women (and men) are totally comfortable with dual, non-matching incomes, there's also proof in the celebrity world that men are more likely to cheat on women who make more than they do (Jesse James and Sandra Bullock's messy situation could be a prime example).
When Beverly Hills licensed marriage and family therapist Alisa Ruby Bash sees couples in her office presenting this discrepancy as a problem in their relationship, it runs the gamut. "Is this an extreme case of one person working and one person sitting at home watching TV?" she says, "Or are both people on their career paths, and the discrepancy between their two salaries is minimal?"
Pewsocialtrends.orgAccept That Financial Opposites Attract
Part of the reason why your money-savvy self may love a guy who throws financial caution to the wind could be science, says money management expert Manisha Thakor, founder of the Women's Financial Literacy Initiative.
"Often, savers and spenders become attracted to each other," she says. "Academics have surmised it's because there is something financially intoxicating about 'financial otherness' that draws couples to each other to begin with." But after the initial attraction to that novelty wears off, financial tensions start to build. Thakor says that much of the tension she sees in couples where the female makes more has to do with this saver/spender dichotomy as opposed to who is the bigger breadwinner.
In Bowman's case, her husband follows the budget she determines with little say or interest in money management. "This, I feel, gives me too much power in some respects," Bowman says. "It forces me into an authoritarian role that I'm not particularly comfortable in. It also stresses me out because it's my salary that pays the essential bills most of the time." Bowman worries about the mortgage and other major payments; her husband doesn't.
Consider His Upbringing
While dollars and cents are certainly an important aspect of any relationship, Alisa Ruby Bash says that, in her estimation, certain types of men are more comfortable being with females who make more than they do. A few of these types include men who are more creative, paid sporadically, starting a new business, or have grown up with a strong female role model which could include being raised by a single mother or a mother who was the breadwinner.
The other end of the spectrum would include men who were spoiled and raised to feel entitled or, in certain extreme cases, "trophy men," who enjoy being taken care of at your expense. In Bash's findings, men less likely to be accepting of a woman's dominant financial role tend to be more traditional or have been raised in more traditional cultures.
An accountant at a private equity firm in New York City, Melissa says her man's laid-back, go-with-the-flow personality is a boon to dealing with this situation in their own relationship. However, there is some stress for her when it comes to figuring out who will pay for what travel expenses, which fuels the couple's long-distance relationship. "I make more money, and flights between our two cities can get kind of expensive," she says, "but he has a more flexible travel schedule. I've offered to split travel costs, but so far he's taken care of it himself. He also makes a point of paying for everything when we are together."
Not surprisingly, women who were accustomed to a different role model growing up tend to have a more difficult time accepting this financial scenario. "We internalize expectations and ideas we have for our partners," says Bash. "If a woman with a successful, hardworking father falls for a less ambitious guy who is not sure what he wants to do with his life, eventually something will feel wrong, no matter how much she loves him. Often, this point of contention, which can be so deep or even subconscious, will haunt the couple throughout their relationship."
Examine Your Attitude Toward Money
Ultimately, it all comes down to attitude. "If the woman feels resentful or judgmental, it will eventually come out," says Bash. If this is a hot topic for you, discuss finances during the beginning months of your relationship.
Many women have high expectations, especially when it comes to men and money. A go-getter who falls for a guy who's not quite as go-getting can cause a lot of frustration and resentment. In order to bridge the financial gap, Thakor has increasingly seen female breadwinners sitting down with their partners as equals, "dividing financial tasks based on each person's interests, time availability, and skill levels." If the woman is the breadwinner, maybe her man will take care of family responsibilities and social activities, grocery shopping, making meals, paying bills and taking on other household chores. Whatever the breakdown of responsibility, both parties have to feel that they have an equal share for the relationship to flourish.
Over the course of her marriage, Bowman has felt a "combination of powerful and stressed out. I like that I'm successful, but there are times that I fantasize about taking a year off from work." As Thakor suggests, Bowman includes her husband in as many decisions as possible, giving him domains where he's in charge. "He needed to be the boss somewhere in the house, so he's the boss of the laundry."
Bottom line, says Thakor, "When it comes to financial tension in a household, increasingly I'm seeing it driven more by each person's emotional relationship to money as opposed to gender."
Decide How to Divide and Conquer
As the saying goes, time is money. And when the woman in the household is the primary breadwinner, this can be the biggest issue a salary disparity creates.
You'll need to decide together how to tackle tasks in a way that satisfies you both, explains Thakor, making sure domestic tasks are fairly divided and, when appropriate, outsourcing or paring back. If you work an 80-hour week while your partner works a more standard 40 hours or not at all, a 50/50 split of household tasks may not leave enough hours in the day for you to maintain a functioning household, let alone your sanity. "The notion of what is a fair and equitable distribution of non-financial tasks really comes into play here," she emphasizes.
Factor in the Job Market
Many of us -- men in particular -- have experienced being laid off in the course of this recession. If a woman is still working while her partner is not, she may start to feel resentful, say the experts, especially if she feels he's not trying hard enough to look for new work.
"She's working, juggling kids and household chores, and if her partner isn't stepping up to either relieve some of the household burden or find a new source of income," says Thakor, "that's when I'm seeing the financial firecrackers."
Bear in mind: It's the effort and attitude of both parties, more than the actual dollar amounts, that Thakor sees as what causes the most friction in couples. But if you can carve out roles within a relationship that you're both comfortable with, that can help pave over subtle differences in salary.
"I sometimes find myself feeling envious of women who are married to husbands who earn more, have a job with health insurance, or have a steady income," confesses Bowman. "That said, I've gotten used to our roles over the years, and I think I might have a hard time adjusting to a different role if it came down to it. I've grown into CFO of the family. It wasn't easy, but now I'm used to it and it would be a huge adjustment to get used to a different financial relationship."
Vanessa Voltolina is an editor and freelance writer living in New York City. She covers health, nutrition, fitness and relationships. Find her on Twitter (@vvoltolina) and read more of her stories at her website. Check out more video from MyDaily!
AlamyThe choice is tough, we know. While you may love your sister or your best friend since birth, your wedding day -- and friendship -- will ultimately fare better if you avoid some of the MOH red flags.
"There's the control freak who pushes the bride around, the attention hog who is convinced that the wedding day is all about her, the naysayer who attempts to undermine every decision that the bride makes throughout the planning process, the party-girl who spends the wedding completely intoxicated," says Susan Southerland, wedding expert and president of Just Marry!, Inc., and finally, "the absentee who doesn't provide much help for anything."
Nervous yet? Don't be! We've outlined five personalities you may not want at the helm of your wedding as your Maid of Honor ... remember, they can always be bridesmaids!
The Drama Queen
"You do NOT want someone who is a drama queen," says author and journalist Caitlin Kelly from Tarrytown, New York. "Weddings have plenty of that already!" If the person you're considering for this honorable role has a bad track record of yelling at hostesses, locking themselves in closets for days post-breakup, or stressing out about miniscule tasks, vote them off of the island.
The Annoying MOH
"Brides need to remember that the maid of honor position is not just a nod to your best friend, but is a political position," says Jeffrey Sumber, licensed psychotherapist and ceremonial officiant at Celebrate Love Chicago. "The MOH must be politically savvy and capable of navigating the field of family, friends and even wedding day vendors to ensure your day is a smooth success."
So, be aware: While your loud, shot-loving MOH may endear herself to you, she's sure to piss off everyone who doesn't know her – namely the groom's family.
A Second String Pick
If you can't have the person you really want to be your MOH, don't settle for a second best. If you really can't nail down the best person, consider not having a MOH at all. A few great bridesmaids can be just what the doctor ordered. Or, go a totally different direction –- the other gender.
One friend of mine, Jen, decided to scrap the concept of having MOH and bridesmaids altogether. "I didn't want a maid of honor at all, and opted to have Jimmy and David [her brothers] as co-men-of-honor. What was not to love about my brother holding my bouquet for the entire ceremony?," she asks.
The Jealous MOH
It may seem like the biggest no-duh statement of the millennium, but ultimately you want a supportive, caring person who is actually happy for you. A friend or family member who is unhappy and depressed, or worse, a jealous person, isn't a great choice for the MOH role, says Amy Schoen, life coach and dating/relationship expert of Heartmind Connection Coaching and Consulting.
Jealousy and cattiness can run deep, even if you two are incredibly close. "At my own wedding, my maid of honor made a horrible comment during her toast about how she wouldn't have picked a guy like my husband because she 'prefers someone like John Travolta!'" says Schoen.
Someone Who's Not (Physically, Emotionally, Whatever) Available
Before choosing a MOH, decide what their real job will be. Yes, we know your MOH will be perfect, be pretend for a minute she or he isn't. What do you need the most during this time? Emotional support, a kick-ass party planner, a gopher (a.k.a. your very temporary wedding day servant) or someone who's been there, done that? It's list-making time, ladies. There are no wrong answers, just honest ones. Figure out your top requirements, and make sure your prospective MOH fits the bill.
"I think that being a MOH is more of an honor to the person you choose –- be it your sister, close friend, or whomever -- than it is a 'role' or having someone who acts as a 'task master,'" says Melissa Buzzi, who will be married this February. But when planning for her wedding, bride Caitlin Kelly needed "a ton of help at the last minute" from a MOH who lived very far away. When her MOH finally arrived to be by her side two days before the wedding, Caitlin was "so worn out from doing it all myself -- I was weeping with exhaustion the day before. You need someone who is a total workhorse and will do whatever you need done, ego-free!"
Other brides rely on support in the months before. One bride I spoke with said her MOH didn't even make it to her wedding. The MOH experienced medical problems related to pregnancy, preventing her from traveling the 1,500 miles to the ceremony. But, in the whole process leading up to the event, she could answer any questions with a veteran response that saved the day.
So whether your MOH is a party-planning whiz, a laid-back support system or the ultimate bridal resource, be confident in whatever decision you make. Your family, friends, and bridesmaids will likely question the decisions of the MOH (and possibly even you as to why you chose her in the first place), so, make sure you're confident in it. Remember, enlisting the person that best fits your wedding day needs will only enhance your big day –- so choose wisely!
Vanessa Voltolina is an editor and freelance writer living in New York City. She covers health, nutrition, fitness and relationships. Find her on Twitter (@vvoltolina) and read more of her stories at vanessavoltolina.com.